


Coffee

by bluebadlandstoni



Category: Evak - Fandom, SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bipolar Disorder, Isak coming to terms with being gay, Isak rethinking his view on mental illnesses, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-25
Updated: 2018-01-31
Packaged: 2018-09-12 01:14:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9049339
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluebadlandstoni/pseuds/bluebadlandstoni
Summary: Even works as a barista, Isak gets coffee all over him, you get the picture...





	1. 1

It was way too early to be awake.  
Isak looked into the mirror and put on his red cap, slightly smiling at himself as a desperate attempt to cheer himself up. But who was he kidding? Waking up to another bible verse on your phone isn't exactly a good start in the day.  
But Isak didn't want to think about that now. He had to finish the biology homework before school and definitely needed coffee now.  
When he walked into the coffee shop he saw that there was only one person in front of him. _That's good._ He thought. _Today is going to be good._  
At least he tried to believe that. But right when he convinced himself that the day could only get better now, the person in front of him turned around and bumped into him covering his shirt in burning hot coffee.  
"Oh fuck I'm sorry, are you okay?"  
Isak looked up into the shocked face of a girl with short black hair. She was attractive! Well, objectively seen she was! "Are you okay?" She repeated, more urgent now and it brought Isak back to reality.  
"Uhm, yeah, sure." He lied and tried not to groan in pain. His whole chest felt like it was on fire. Why does coffee have to be hot?!  
"Wait I'll give you money for a new shirt, I'm so sorry!!" She smiled at him. "Is there any way I can make this up to you?" _Is she flirting with me?_ Isak really wasn't in the mood for human interaction of any kind right now so he shrugged and gave the girl his number to get rid of her, reassuring that he was fine. Finally the girl gave up and left him standing alone in front of the counter.  
Sighing, Isak decided that he didn't feel like coffee any longer and was about to leave when he heard a voice behind him.  
"Don't you want something? I'm sure you could use it."  
He turned around and almost gasped at the sight of the blonde boy who was smiling at him warmly. His hair was styled back but a few strains where hanging into his face and decorated his soft yet sharp features. The boy raised both eyebrows and seemed really amused by Isak´s staring and it was just then that Isak noticed he had his mouth open. He quickly looked away and blushed inevitably.  
"I, uhm, I don't really feel like coffee after that." He mumbled looking at his shoes. The boy let out a small chuckle. "Okay. Do you want a shirt then? I have a spare one with me."  
Isak's mind went wild at this question. The thought of wearing something that belonged to the boy that got him looking like an idiot was a bit overwhelming to him. _What is going on here? I can borrow a shirt from a guy. There's nothing to that, right?_  
"That'd be cool!" The boy nodded and told Isak to follow him behind the counter into a small room with a few lockers and a table. He opened one of the lockers, pulled out a white shirt and handed it to Isak. Unsure what to do, Isak took it, thanking him again, and awkwardly got out of his jacket that he had open so it didn't get any coffee on it. The blonde boy smiled cockily as Isak didn't take off his shirt.  
"Are you shy? Do you want me to turn around?" Isak blushed even harder if that was possible. He shook his head and pulled his shirt over his arms revealing his red chest.  
"That looks hurtful."  
The boy was staring at him with a mixture of pity and amusement that eventually changed into a sassy smile. He left the room and before Isak knew what to do he was back with a wet towel and a tube of creme in his hands.  
"May I?" He didn't wait for an answer but gently pressed the cold towel onto Isaks chest leaving him shivering. They both remained silent until the towel had warmed up too much to be refreshing and the boy squeezed some of the creme on his hand.  
This time he didn't even bother asking and just warmed the creme up between the palms of his hands and started massaging it onto Isak's skin.  
The sensation of his soft, warm fingers left Isak startled even though the touch hurt a bit. He breathed in sharply which the boy misinterpreted as pain because he stopped immidiately.  
"Does it hurt?"  
Isak shook his head a bit too fast and a bit too eagerly for it not to be awkward but at this point he didn't care. He just wanted to feel those fingers on his skin again.  
"I'm Even, by the way." The boy smiled, totally aware of what his touch was doing to Isak.  
"Isak. Nice to meet you."  
After that they both fell into silence again but this time it wasn't uncomfortable and much to Isak's joy Even started massaging the leftover creme he had on his hands onto his red, overly sensitive skin.  
After he was sure that there was no piece of sore skin left, Even stepped back and handed Isak the shirt once again. "Is it better now?" His voice was raspy and low after not speaking for so long.

Isak didn't trust his voice so he simply nodded, whispered "Yeah, thanks." and quickly pulled Even's shirt over his head. _It smells so good_ , he thought before interrupting himself. Why was he thinking that?!  
"Do you have school now?"  
Even immidiately regretted asking that. He didn't want Isak to go.  
"Mmh, yeah but I'm already late and don't have the homework so..." he still didn't dare to look Even into the eyes. Instead he studied the floor and tried not to freak out about what he was feeling right now. Like, he wasn't.... gay, was he?  
"Are you sure you don't want a coffee? My shift is over now."


	2. 2

The next morning was the first in months that Isak didn't have to force himself to smile at his reflection in the mirror. Yesterday had been the best day in a while! Even though he only met Even yesterday they seemed to have instant chemistry. _Platonic friendship chemistry, of course!_  
They have talked for hours and Isak endedup not going to school at all.  
But it was worth is even though Sana was pretty pissed at him for leaving her alone in biology.

  
Today the first thing Isak saw on his phone wasn't a bible verse. It also wasn't another attempt of his dad to meet up. It was the picture of a drawing that showed two boys, one of them with a snap back, sitting on a table and drinking coffee. Isak felt his face light up immediately. Even shad mentioned that he likes to draw and it felt weirdly flattering to know that he spend time drawing Isak.

  
School went by disturbingly slow this day. All Isak could think about was the fact that somewhere in this building a blonde boy with the cutest smile ever was sitting in class and probably drawing.  
His friends kept asking him if he was okay because he wasn't interested in the conversations about some girls but Isak was lost in his thoughts that reached from _I should text that girl from yesterday. She was cute, right?_   to _I need to see him again. I need to see him again. I need to..._ which was followed by _why does he make me feel like that? I'm not gay! He's just a guy I like hanging out with._  
After school was finally over Isak hurried home to text Even. He has been thinking about what to write the whole day and came to the decision to just ask him if he wanted to meet again so Isak could give him his shirt back.  
But just when he entered the bus the voice that had been haunting his dreams (in a good way) pulled him out of his mind.  
"Hi."  
Isak flinched and almost jumped at the unexpected sound. When he looked up Even grinned widely, obviously very amused.  
Just say something! Isak screamed at himself but it was to no use. He was lost in those light blue eyes. But then Even closed them for his typical smile and Isak forced himself to look away.  
Finally, he answered: "Uhm, hello."  
Even relaxed his face again and looked right at Isak who couldn't stand the tension and looked down at his shoes once again.  
"Going home?", Even asked in an attempt to start a conversation.  
"Yeah, you too?" Isak answered without taking his eyes off the floor.  
"Yes. How's your chest?"  
Isak blushed before mumbling a quiet 'good' and they went silent again.  
Slowly he started to relax and even managed to look at Even again.  
"I still have your shirt."  
He paused and tried to bring up the courage to continue: "Do you have time now? You could come and pick it up if you want to."  
Even nodded happily and when their eyes met again Isak didn't look away.

  
After they left the bus, Even followed Isak until they reached the house Isak´s apartment was in. Isak had to concentrate to stay calm on the outside but on the inside he was freaking out about the fact that Even was about to enter his apartment. He was pretty sure that Linn and Eskild weren't at home so that meant that he was about to be in a room alone with Even. _In a room alone with Even._  
Finally he managed to shove the key into the keyhole and open the door. Even followed him inside and up the stairs where Isak once again struggled to open the door thanks to the nervousness that filled him and kept his fingers from working properly.  
Eventually the door opened and Isak awkwardly indicated Even to come in.

  
They slipped out their shoes and Isak quickly made his way to his room without even looking at Even. He knew that he wouldn't be able to keep himself from touching those small wrinkles around his eyes or running his hands through those messy yet perfect hair, once they locked eyes.  
"It has to be somewhere..."  
He mumbled as he was looking through a whole pile of clothing that covered his entire desk.  
"You have it really nice here.", Even remarked in the driest, most serious voice that didn't let Isak see whether or not he was being sarcastic.  
He wrinkled his nose. "What is this smell?"  
"It's lavender. Eskild bought it." Isak blushed when he saw the amused look on Even's face. But the taller guy raised his hands in defense and said:"No, I like it! You just don't seem like the type of guy who likes lavender, you know?"  
Isak rolled his eyes and turned back to the clothes where he finally found the shirt he was looking for.  
"Here it is. Should I have washed it? Because I didn't, sorry."  
Even grinned. "No, I like the idea of it smelling like you."  
Isak felt his cheeks heat up immediately until he was sure his head was about to explode _. Is he joking??? Does he like me?? Do I like him?? What is happening?_  
"Oh, o-okay."  
Even´s smile grew wider at his nervous stuttering but he decided to give the younger boy some rest. For now.  
"I'm hungry, do you have anything?"  
The sudden change of subject confused Isak even more but he was glad to have an excuse to leave the room and went to the kitchen where he rested his head against one of the cupboards and closed his eyes. He didn't understand what was going on. Why did Even make him feel like that? But his thoughts were interrupted way to soon when he heard steps behind him.  
"What are you doing? Are you okay?" The sincere concern in Even's voice made him feel warm inside and made his head tingle.

"I don't know."

It was only a silent whisper and he wasn't even facing Even but he was sure he heard him. Isak didn't move but he felt Even coming closer until he was standing right next to him, so close that he could easily reach out and touch him but he didn't. He didn't even open his eyes. Not even when he felt the other boy's breath on his face and his fingertips gently caressing his back. He wanted to look up, to look into those light blue eyes but he couldn't. He was afraid of what he was feeling, of what Even made him feel but when he felt his warm fingers on his chin he couldn't resist any longer and finally turned around and opened his eyes just to look right into Even's eyes which seemed darker now. His pupils were widened and his mouth slightly open, his lips trembling. Isak swallowed hard and suddenly he wasn't afraid any longer. All he could think of was how badly he wanted, no, how badly he _needed_ to feel those lips on his and when Even finally closed his eyes and the space between them he couldn't help but shiver under the sensation.

He didn't expect his lips to be so soft. They always looked a bit chappy but they didn't feel like it at all. The small height difference made them fit together perfectly and Isak knew immediately that it was right. Never in his life had he felt so overwhelmed by a simple kiss. It was as if he finally understood what he was missing.  
_I'm gay._ It was nothing more than a small thought in the back of Isak's mind. He couldn't pay attention to it right now. Not when he was kissing the most beautiful guy he has ever seen.


	3. 3

Isak felt Even's hands stroking through his hair and over his neck, where they left a trace of goosebumps and made him shiver. Even was such a good kisser; soft but not too soft, forward but not sloppy. He started to relax and allowed himself to enjoy the kiss with all of his heart. He couldn't keep his hands still any longer -Even's skin felt so soft under his fingers and his hair was just _so soft._

They stayed like that, wrapped around each other, long after they stopped kissing. Isak wasn't ready to let go of Even yet, being near him felt too good. He pressed his face against Even's warm neck and couldn't help but smile against the soft skin. His thoughts were completely still. For the first time in months he didn't worry about anything. Not about school, not about his parents and not about his sexuality. He was happy. Just happy. And it felt so good!

Even started moving so Isak reluctantly let go of him just for them to meet eyes and smile. It was the warmest, most intimate smile Isak had ever shared with someone and it left his cheeks red and his heart racing. However, he didn't care about what was going on. He was too busy staring at the partly closed eyes in front of him. They shone so brightly he was afraid he might go blind if he kept looking at them for just a moment longer.

Even gently brushed his nose against Isak's, making the younger boy smile heavily. He had never felt so safe in his entire life before. How could one person make such a difference? One person that he barely knew. Before Isak could think about that further, Even stepped back and left Isak feeling weirdly lost in the kitchen. He looked after Even, who left the room without a word, only to come back moments later with his shirt in his hand and a different expression on his face. The warm smile was gone now, replaced with an empty, hollow look that didn't show Isak what was going on behind it.

"Are you okay?", he asked carefully, kind of afraid of the answer he was about to hear. Even didn't even look at him. His eyes seemed to be glued to the floor like Isak's often were, and Isak couldn't help but wonder what had triggered the sudden change. It wasn't just the look in his eyes - Even's whole posture seemed so different now. His shoulders that he usually held up were slumped, making him look small and vulnerable. His movements were sloppy and uncontrolled as if he was too busy within his own mind to care about them.

"Yeah." He answered, still not looking at Isak. Obviously he wasn't fine. Isak could see that. Everyone could have seen that! But Isak didn't dare to ask again so he simply nodded and followed Even, who suddenly hurried to the door and put on his shoes.

"I have to go now." His voice was cold, emotionless. Isak was confused. He didn't know what to do, or what to think. Was this all a joke to Even? Minutes ago they had been kissing, and Isak was the happiest he had been in months. But now ... the whole atmosphere had changed drastically. This wasn't going in the right direction. What was happening? It was too much to handle. But soon enough Even had his shoes on, mumbled a quiet "bye" and slammed the door shut behind him.

Isak stood in the corridor in shock, trying to process what had just happened. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't wrap his head around it. It didn't make any sense! How could someone become a different person within seconds? What was wrong with Even?

It was this thought that kept him up all night. He thought about texting Even but was too afraid of what he would answer. Or, which Even would answer. Because the boy he kissed and the boy that wouldn't look him in the eyes couldn't be the same person, Isak was convinced of that. He rolled around in his bed, unable to sleep until he was too tired to think about Even any longer and decided to listen to some music to get his mind off of things. He opened his playlist and cringed when he remembered Jonas's comment on his taste in music. "You only know gay songs." _Apparently I was gayer than I thought I was back then,_ he thought to himself, violently shaking his head at the memories of him desperately trying to get Eva away from Jonas. His Jonas. He had loved Jonas, but he was definitely over him! The thought almost made Isak smile but then he remembered the events of earlier that day and the smile died before it reached his lips.

Eventually he fell into an unsteady sleep until his alarm woke him up again.

He didn't want to get up. What was the point of going to school? What if he saw Even? What would he say?

No, Isak wasn't in the mood for that!

And not even Eskild could change his mind when he knocked on Isak's door, only to open it without waiting for an answer.

"What's wrong?"   
"I'm not feeling good. I'm going to stay home today."

Eskild nodded as if he understood. "Having girl drama?" he asked, emphasizing the last word. Isak rolled his eyes at him. "NO! I'm just not feeling that good, okay?" "Okay, okay. But if you want to talk about it..." he pointed at himself and finally left the room again.

Isak groaned and decided to sleep a bit as the night hasn't been that relaxing. But every time he closed his eyes, all he could concentrate on was the feeling of Even's lips on his own.

Finally, Isak gave up and grabbed his laptop for some distraction.

This was going to be a long day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally the next chapter, I hope you liked it!:) Thanks to @chasingcady for proof reading and helping me with some sentences, you should go follow them on twitter and watch their videos because they´re hilarious and just because Cady is an awesome person!!:)  
> You can also follow me @bluebadlandstoni if you want to.


	4. 4

Isak was staring absently at his laptop when an idea came to his mind. After making sure his door was closed, he opened a private window, tentatively posing the question, "am i gay?" into the search bar. His finger trembled over the keyboard for a moment before he hit enter. A number of quizzes popped up on the screen and Isak clicked on the first one. "How much did you pay for your last haircut?" Isak narrowed his eyebrows. What does that have to do with sexuality? "Fuck it," he mumbled and closed the window. This wasn't going anywhere.

Instead, he thought about talking to Eskild. But he knew Eskild, who would most likely get overly exited and probably want him to be gay. _Which I am not,_ Isak found himself thinking. _I just like Even. A lot._

But after surpassing the same circle of thoughts over and over again, he finally gave in and decided that talking to Eskild wouldn't hurt.

"Eskild," Isak called for his roommate but Eskild didn't answer. Reluctantly, Isak lifted himself up and left his room to look for Eskild. The older boy was sitting in the kitchen and seemed busy with his phone. He didn't even look up until Isak cleared his throat loudly, making his presence known.

"Ah, Isak, come here!" He reached out and took Isak's arm, pulling him closer. "Do you think he's handsome?" He held his phone up for Isak to see and almost hit it against his nose. "Eskild, chill. I can't see anything when it's so close." Isak shook his head and pushed Eskild's hand away from his face so he could look at the picture of a guy that was on his phone. Eskild looked at him expectantly but Isak only shrugged, unsure of what to say. "I don't know."  
"Oh come on, you can find a guy good looking without being gay!" Isak flinched at his words. He scraped together all the courage, and breathed: "I know, but, uhm. That's actually what I wanted to talk with you about."

Eskild looked at him in surprise. "What do you mean?" Isak shrugged. "I don't know. It's just, uhm..." His stuttering clearly caught Eskild's interest, who perked up expectantly. That made Isak feel even more pressured to finally say it but - he couldn't. He opened his mouth to say something but no words came out. Why was this so hard? Eskild was a friend and gay himself, what was the worst thing that could happen? And still Isak closed his mouth again, mumbled "Forget it." and slumped somewhat hurriedly to the safety of his room.

He should have known that Eskild wouldn't let him get away like that. Only seconds after he closed the door behind him, Eskild opened it and sat down on the bed next to Isak.

"What is it? You can tell me." Isak swallowed and looked at his hands, folding them nervously in his lap. They sat there for a few minutes, both not saying a word, until Isak finally managed to start speaking.

"There, uhm, there's this guy and..." He didn't need to say more. Eskild understood immediately, wrapping his arms around the younger boy in a comforting hug. Isak tried desperately not to cry. He didn't want to! But being held by Eskild and feeling accepted without having to say the words he was so afraid of felt so good and comforting that he couldn't hold back his tears.

"Shshshhh, it's okay. Don't cry, please. That makes me cry too, stop it!" He gently pulled back and smiled at Isak, who tried valiantly to dry his eyes.

"Does he... know you like him?" That question was enough for Isak to feel his eyes welling with tears again and it took him a moment until he calmed down enough to tell Eskild what had happened with Even. Eskild listened without interrupting him once and, for a long while after Isak had finished talking, stayed silent. Until finally: "You should talk to him."

"I don't know him but it sounds like he has some problems that he might not be able to control." Isak had no idea what Eskild was talking about.   
"What do you mean?"  
"I don't know, maybe he has depression or something."  
The word 'depression' was enough for Isak to freak out. To him, being with someone with a mental illness just wasn't an option. Not after his mum. No. He didn't need that in his life.

It made sense, though. Eskild was right, Even probably wasn't okay. But in what way, Isak wasn't sure.

He had almost forgotten Eskild, who was still looking at him. "Oh." He simply said, just to let Eskild know that he was thinking about his words. But the expression on Eskild's face changed. His eyes weren't filled with pity any longer. "What do you mean, 'oh'?"

"I mean... the possibility of Even being mentally ill... that explains a lot. And that it sucks, because I really liked him before." Eskild jumped up at Isak's words and stared at him in disbelief.  
"So, what you're trying to say is that you don't like him anymore because of his possible mental health issues? That's fucked, Isak."

Isak intuitively pulled the covers higher over himself at the sudden anger in Eskild's voice.  
"I just mean that I don't want this in my life." He tried desperately to be assertive, to regain a glimmer of put-togetherness in front of his friend, but Eskild's expression made it clear that he was only making everything worse.

"If that's the case then you should leave that Even alone because everyone deserves someone who accepts them for all their imperfections. For every part of them, Isak. And if you're not willing to do that then.... For one, you should think about how Linn and I let you stay here even though you're lazy as fuck and don't pay rent most of the time. Just because someone has mental health issues doesn't mean that they're less of a person or less capable of having a healthy relationship. I really like you, Isak, but you just have to stop judging people like that. You're a smart boy. Why do you have to be so biased sometimes?"

Isak didn't know what to say. Deep down he knew that Eskild was right, but he was too shocked and hurt to admit it. All he could do was stare back at Eskild, who eventually turned around and slammed the door shut behind him.

Isak laid down on his bed, trying to process what had just happened. If Eskild was right, and deep down, Isak knew he was, then maybe he needed to rethink his perspective on mental illness. "Just because someone has mental health issues doesn't mean that they're less of a person," Eskild had said. An image of Even's hollow, absent expression from earlier surfaced in Isak's mind, clouding over to reveal an image of the older boy's softly puckered lips curved into a delicate smile. Why DID Isak have to be so biased sometimes?

The shrill "ping" of a text message notification pulled Isak from his confused reverie. It was from Even. With trembling fingers, he held the phone up to open the text.

  
  


_I´m sorry for being such a dick, please let me explain? Coffee at Kaffebrenneriet after school? I miss you_. - Even

  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thanks @chasingcady for making this so much better!:)  
> I hope you liked the new chapter, if you did feel free to tell me;)  
> and thank you so much for over 1800 hits and 100 kudos, that´s insane and makes me so so happy!!!


	5. 5

_I'm sorry for being such a dick, please let me explain? Coffee at Kaffebrenneriet after school? I miss you_ \- Even

Isak stared at the text, unable to think clearly. He wanted to see Even again! He wanted to write YES!!!! But he also wanted to forget about him. He was afraid. And to his own surprise, his main fear wasn't about him being gay. It was about him getting hurt.

He was afraid that Eskild was right. That Even wasn't okay. That he wasn't _fine_. Like his mum wasn't _fine_. But Even wasn't his mum. Isak groaned and wished Eskild wasn't mad at him so he had someone to talk to. He knew that he could just apologize and tell him, that he was right, Eskild was a very forgiving person, but he was too proud to do that. He didn't need Eskild! Or any of his other friends, who had been trying to call him all day long.

"I miss you." Isak tried to imagine Even saying these words. He was sure it sounded awesome coming from his soft lips! In his mind it did. The idea of the boy who seemed so cool and self-confident, saying something so vulnerable was overwhelming to Isak and deep down he already knew that he wouldn't be able to say no to Even like that. Before he could change his mind he answered:

_Okay. 3pm_

He looked at the time. Two more hours until he would meet Even. Suddenly he felt the urge to do something that he hadn't done in a very long time. He grabbed his phone and opened the chat with his dad. Well, it wasn't really a chat but more a collection of attempts to convince Isak to meet up. He hesitated but then he pressed on the phone-symbol and lifted the phone to his ear.

"Isak?" he could hear the surprise in his voice. And it made him feel even worse for ignoring his dad for so long. "Hi. I'm sorry that I never answer you. Do you still want to meet some time?"

\- - - - - - - -

Isak stood in front of the Kaffebrenneriet and scanned the coffee shop for Even. It didn't take him long to discover the tall boy sitting on a table on the other end of the room. He had his head rested on his hands and his eyes were closed. He looked miserable. Isak took a deep breath. Maybe this wasn't a good idea. Maybe he should just turn around and hide in his room again. The safety of his bed had never sounded so tempting before. But he knew that he had to give Even a chance to explain himself. He hated to admit that he was wrong with his prejudices about mental illnesses but the talk with Eskild had opened his eyes at least enough for him to understand that he couldn't just give up on Even like that. Not that he wanted to. Or could, for that matter. No, he needed to go in there and speak to him. He took another deep breath and finally opened the door to enter the room that was filled with the comforting smell of coffee.

Even didn't notice him until he sat down in front of him and whispered an insecure "Hei."

When he lifted his head up and looked at Isak, the younger boy was shocked by how tired Even looked. His skin was pale and his eyes sunken as if he didn't get any sleep.

"Hei." Even answered. Isak couldn't help but stare at his face that didn't look as soft as he remembered it.

"Do you want anything? I can get us coffee."

Isak just stared at him in silence and shook his head. He didn't come here to drink coffee.

After they stayed silent for what felt like an eternity, Even stood up and left Isak in a mixture of anger because he didn't get the explanation he's been waiting for and relief because he couldn't stand the tension any longer.

When Even came back he was holding two cups in his hands and placed one in front of Isak who mumbled a quiet "thank you," even though he didn't feel like coffee at all. Inevitably, he remembered how he was sitting here just two days ago, talking with Even about everything and nothing and getting lost in his eyes every time their eyes met. It seemed unreal how the same situation could feel so different today.

"I am sorry."

Isak looked up in surprise. Finally, he thought, but said nothing.

"I know that you have to think I'm weird or just an asshole, I don't know but... I'm not."

Even looked at Isak anxiously, waiting for some kind of sign to continue speaking.

"Okay," Isak finally said, taking a sip of the coffee that he was actually pretty thankful for now.

"I'm sorry if I scared you. I didn't want to."

Isak didn't know what to answer so he just waited for Even to continue speaking. He looked down at the cup in his hands and started swilling it absently.

Even took the spoon, licked it clean and slowly laid it down in front of him before he opened his mouth, closed it again. He pushed back a strand of hair that had fallen into his face, hands trembling. Finally:

”This is not going to work.”

Isak felt as if someone had sapped all the air out of the room. He tried to breathe but his chest felt too tight for him to get air.   
He desperately tried to get Even to look at him or to say something, just to do anything.

But Even didn't do him the favor. He just stared at his hands, laid around the cup of coffee, as if he needed something to hold on to. Isak could see his knuckles turn white and was afraid that the cup was going to burst. He was mad. Mad and cofused and sad. But seeing Even like that, he couldn't handle it. He gently laid his own hands over Even's and stroked them in a comforting rhythm until he felt Even's grip on the cup getting looser.

When the older boy looked up, his eyes were filled with tears and Isak forgot his anger and confusion and swiped away Even's tears with his thumb.

Finally, Even broke the silence to answer Isak's unspoken question.

"I'm bipolar."


	6. 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so I didn't really look over it again so it's probably full of typos and weird mistakes lol I hope you can forgive me. But FINALLY, am I right? Hope you enjoy it:)

Isak didn't know what to say. He didn't even know what that was supposed to mean. Bipolar. He had heard it before but never really thought about what it meant.  
He stared at Even unable to say anything. And then, before he could, Even jumped up and left him alone in his confusion.  
It was too much for Isak to handle. He didn't even realize that he was crying until a tear tickled on the tip of his nose and he violently brushed it away. But he couldn't brush away his feelings. The despair and helplessness that filled every inch of him. Slowly his brain started to process what had just happened and he pulled out his phone.  _bipolar_ He was afraid to open the first article and when he did his exes filled with tears again even though he tried so hard to hold them back. The letters blurred out in front of his eyes until he couldn't read a single word and when he realized that people were staring at him he grabbed his jacket and ran.

  
Isak didn't stop until he reached the door to his apartment and slammed it shut behind him.  
He paced around the corridor trying to calm himself down. He felt panic overwhelming his mind until he couldn't form one clear thought. Without noticing he started whimpering and rocking back and forth.  
_This isn't okay._ Was all that he was capable of thinking. And he didn't even know what that was supposed to mean. He just had the feeling that something was really, really off. And not just Even's mental health.

It took him a while to calm down and when Eskild came home later that day Isak was la ying in his bed staring at the wall. He had no idea how much time went by but he knew that it must have been hours. This whole day was just one big blur in his mind that he couldn't think about without his head starting pounding so hard that he was sure it had to explode. 

Isak knew that he should get up. Eat something or just do  _anything_ but he couldn't. In fact even breathing felt like a challenge right now. His chest was too tight and his room too small and the blanket too heavy. He felt like he was being suffocated under the weight and he was unable to move. As if his body wasn't connected to his mind any longer. He internally screamed at himself to get up but the message didn't reach his legs so he just laid there until his eyes finally closed and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

It didn't last for long though.  
It was about 5 am when Isak's phone started ringing. At first it took him a while to realize where he was and what had woke him up but once he recognized his ring tone he grabbed his phone as fast as possible and guided it through the mess of blanket and pillows to his ear without looking at who the call was from. It had to be important, right? Why else would someone call him at this time? At least that's what he thought. But when he waited for someone on the other end to tell him whatever important news they had to share and no one answered, he wasn't that sure about that anymore.

"Hello?" Still no answer. "Heloo-o?", Isak repeated. A bit more annoyed now.

Finally, the person on the other end answered. "Isak." It was only a whisper but more than enough to let Isak remember what had happened only a few hours ago. He felt all the emotions coming in again and once again he was drowning in his own head. He wanted to say something, no,  _scream_ something but he had no energy to do so. Why would Even call him in the middle of the night? Isak was pissed. 

"Can I, can I come over?" Isak almost laughed at this question and opened his mouth to say no but something stopped him. A little voice in the back of his mind, begging him to say yes because all he needed right now was for Even to hold him. Isak hated himself for being so weak and desperate but the voice won and he whispered "Ok." and hung up before he could change his mind.

It didn't take long until Isak heard the bell ring and Eskild cursing and he rushed to the door before the older boy had the chance to complain more or - even worse - get up to see who was disturbing his sleep like that.

When he reached the door, he closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath and straightened his back until he felt ready to face what was waiting for him on the other side of the door. He slowly opened the door and it revealed a tired looking Even. The older boy had trouble keeping himself up and his eyes where red and his face swollen from tears. The sight felt like a stab to the heart to Isak. He had no idea that Even could look that small and helpless, he seemed so cool and confident but now he looked like he was about to crumble.

He couldn't be mad anymore. Not when Even was obviously that miserable. He forgot about the angry speech that he had prepared while playing this confrontation through in his mind right after the call and just pulled Even into his arms instead. He was only wearing a shirt and his skin felt so cold under Isak's hands that he let go of the other boy just to close the door and pull him into his room where he implied Even to lay down. He helped him get his shoes off and wrapped his blanket around the cold body. When he was done, Isak looked down at Even who immediately closed his eyes. He sighed, unsure, what to do and decided to sleep on the sofa when Even started speaking, his eyes still closed. "Come lay down with me." Isak wasn't sure if he had heard it right and didn't move, afraid that Even could say something else and he would miss it. "Please." It was only a whisper but it made Isak feel so many things at once that he didn't know what to do. He wanted to lay down next to Even, to be near him and cuddle with him, smell the scent of his shampoo and feel his soft skin under his fingertips but at the same time he wanted to scream at him and ask for an explanation. But Even looked so vulnerable and Isak couldn't bring himself to ignore his wish and carefully laid down next to him.

Even rolled over so he was facing Isak and even though his eyes were still closed, he reched for the younger boy's face and gently stroked it before grabbing one of Isak's hands with his and intertwine their fingers.

"I'm sorry." , he whispered and Isak couldn't help but smile.

They fell asleep like that, with a lot of space between them and only their hands touching but when Isak woke up the next morning Even was resting his head on his chest and held Isak between his arms. It was 7 am and he had to get up but he couldn't bring himself to wake up Even so he decided that school wasn't that important today and fell back asleep with the comforting weight of Even's head on his chest.

 


	7. Is anyone still reading this?

I know I didn't update for a really long time and I'm so sorry!!  
Would you still like a new chapter?


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